


"Wish Me Luck Out There"

by Monsieur_Grenouille



Category: John Mulaney - Fandom, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Dogs, Gen, Genderbending, John Mulaney References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25034428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsieur_Grenouille/pseuds/Monsieur_Grenouille
Summary: Only one thing matters to Jenna Mulaney after every show-- her dog, Petunia.
Relationships: John Mulaney & Petunia Mulaney
Kudos: 3





	"Wish Me Luck Out There"

**Author's Note:**

> This is my newest Original Character, Jenna Mulaney. She's honestly like John, but a little better with people.

If you were to approach someone in the street and ask if they know Jenna Mulaney, you wouldn’t need to. Everyone knows her. She’s the comedy queen who’s been sweeping America since she was young, spreading her jokes and childhood stories like a pandemic. Her name and face are all over New York’s billboards, especially since she lives there. Every night is a new show. She’s not egotistical, though; most fans who meet her say that she is one of the most down-to-earth humans they’ve ever met. 

“...I’m starting to wonder why people think I’m a lesbian,” she says, tossing her hair over her shoulder and smiling over the audience. She paces across the stage, showing off her confident quirkiness as she talks. “Maybe it’s the suits,” she gestures to her clothes in a grand sweep of her arm. “Or the way I talk. You know, I’ve got that macho femininity and I guess a dominance that straight women aren’t supposed to have? First of all… I am not dominant. I cower at the sound of a waiter saying and ‘as for you?’ when I haven’t even cracked open the menu yet. I worry I’m breathing too loud after I sprint down the street to escape the person who just made awkward but terrifying eye contact with me. Sure, I talk about my childhood and potential trauma onstage without shattering like the glass egg I am, but that does not mean I can walk up to a random dude in the street and be like, _‘you wanna go? You wanna go, punk?’_ ” She spreads her arms and deepens her voice to appear jokingly menacing. 

The audience roars with laughter, clapping and filling her veins with joy. This is the part of her job that she lives for; making people happy. She waits for the cheering to die down before smiling wider than ever, softening her voice, and delivering the final line of the show. “I am not dominant… I am just getting paid.” 

The closing music chimes in from the speakers, telling her to leave without directly saying it. “Thank you, Los Angeles!” she called out. She waved goodbye and blew kisses into the audience before walking out into the dressing room. Petunia sat on the cushion, her french bulldog face staring at Jenna. Jenna smiles at her dog before impersonating her. “You were late on your cue, dumb millennial,” she says in a gruff chain-smoker voice.

Petunia snorts in her direction and licks her bulldog nose. Jenna scratches Petunia behind the ears and goes to fill her food bowl. On the way, she takes off her blazer and sets it on the sofa. She gives Petunia her food, then sprawls out on the couch with her phone. “Who should I get a ride from…” she mutters, scrolling through her contacts. “Oh. Wait. I’m alone. Taxi again, I guess.” she rubs her eyes and takes a moment to relax before leaving the building with Petunia and hailing a taxi outside. 

A cab pulls up to the curb and welcomes her in. “Hey…” the cab driver says, “Are you Jenna Mulaney? As in THE Jenna Mulaney? The one who played What’s New Pussycat over and over?” 

Jenna flips her dark hair and hangs her blazer over her shoulder. “Yeah,” she chuckles, “That’s me. Are you a fan?” 

The driver smiles wider than ever. “A fan? Your comedy helped me get through my divorce!” he closes the door for her and walks back around to get in. “Where are you headed?” 

Jenna opens up her phone to see the address of her hotel. “Um… it’s a Holiday Inn. The one on 24th.” 

The cab driver nods. “Alright. Any special plans tonight?” 

Jenna sighs, “Just sleeping. Maybe I’ll take Petunia late-night sightseeing, but only if she doesn’t bark at the cars passing by.” She glares at her dog jokingly. 

The rest of the car ride is mainly silent, cushioned by the soft murmurs of talk radio. The buildings pass by the car window quickly, lighting up the scene with their colors. Jenna leans her jaw on her chin and watches them. New York is similar at night. 

At the Holiday Inn, the driver walked to Jenna’s door and helped her step out. “M’lady,” he says, “Or should I say… m’laney.” 

Jenna laughs, “I haven’t heard that one yet. Thank you for driving me. Here’s your payment.” She hands him a fifty-dollar bill. 

The bus driver refuses. “It’s on the house, Miss Mulaney. Driving you after a show is payment enough. Can I have a photo, though?” He pulls out his phone. Jenna agrees, then smiles for the selfie. She hugs the cab driver and wishes him well before taking Petunia’s leash and heading into the building. She had checked in before the show, so all she had to do was trudge up to her room and close the door. She gets showered and changed quickly, then flops onto the bed exhaustedly. Petunia curls up next to her, nudging her wrist for attention. Jenna pets her bulldog lazily. She hums “What’s New, Pussycat.” The cab driver had gotten it stuck in her head. 

Petunia grunts, licking her nose a few more times before yawning and lowering her head onto the duvet. Jenna watches her dog sleep until she can’t keep her eyes open. “Good night, Petunia,” she yawns, taking one last stretch before curling up and falling asleep. 

Life after shows became so much better after she traded her alcohol for a dog.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me in the comments if you want to see more works with Jenna and Petunia!


End file.
